Yesterday was another day where I found myself fighting off a group of sorrowful mental minions. I read the tragic story about little Ryan’s death and have been so distraught because of it. I just found out about the beautiful family, and to find out about it because of Ryan’s passing is just heartbreaking to me. Ryan and his parents have been a major part of my thoughts and prayers since I found out. Their family portrait is imprinted on the front lobe of my brain.
Tonight, I find myself extremely emotional. I find myself scared out of my wits about even the thought of thinking of imagining my life without Little Nugget (LN) or Josh. I find myself sad and grateful, and I’m crying because of the two. I am sad because of the tragedy that happened, and grateful for all of the love that exists in my life. The extreme emotions I feel are too much that they force tears out of my eyes. On top of it all, I had not seen LN all day because he and my better half were at a family function while I was at work. When they arrived home, LN decided that he did not want anything to do with me, and this was the beginning of a short-lived downhill battle.
Not too long ago, my better half went through the “the-only-person-I-want-is-mommy” phase with LN. Oh how I loved always being the one he wanted. I can’t be definite in saying that LN doesn’t want me anymore, but he’s been a lot more needy for daddy lately. Daddy seems cooler than mommy nowadays. I want daddy to carry me! I want daddy to give me my bottle! I want daddy to put me to bed! Notice how those exclamations are not in quotations, this is because that’s what I think LN is whining about. Those were my duties. The duties that may seem tedious to those who aren’t parents mean everything to me. I was in tears. I wouldn’t doubt it if the neighbors thought it was LN crying, and do I even have to explain why?
I never thought the “the-only-person-I-want-is-daddy” phase would come so soon.
I am now knowing what my better half went through, and it sucks! The upside to this all is that Josh will never know what I went thought growing and carrying our child. Who won this battle?
Cheers to being grateful for everyday!