I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones or if it’s really just me not being the “grown ass woman” that I should be. I find myself in a moment of despair, a moment of lost identity, a moment where I need to know that I am not the only one that is or has gone through this. I’m teetering between what I want, what I think I want, and what I’ll never have. Doesn’t sound very fitting to what I usually share on my blog, but this is the reality. Big Nugget doesn’t always have it together.
I can’t decide how bad I want to teach childbirth education, whether I want to stay home with my children (not that it’s really a viable option), let’s just say that I don’t see any spotlight shining bright on anything I thought myself to be passionate about. I truly feel unpassionate about life right now. I feel like a child still trying to figure out the balance of right and wrong, a teenager trying to control her hormones, a supposed woman trying to stand behind her decisions…and at this very moment none of that is turning out to be on the positive end of the spectrum. On the contrary, I feel like my world is spinning out of control and the only person I so very desperately need to hold me is God, the only being that can hold me without judgement is God. How easy it is to know that I need to let go and let God, but oh how difficult it is to actually do so. Is this the storm leading to a new revelation? I sure hope so.
I apologize for unleashing this moment of anxiety and despair, but I know that there is a community out there willing to give this mother some lifting words and to let her know that not having it all figured out can sometimes be quite alright. That life goes on.