A moment of despair

I don’t know if it’s the pregnancy hormones or if it’s really just me not being the “grown ass woman” that I should be. I find myself in a moment of despair, a moment of lost identity, a moment where I need to know that I am not the only one that is or has gone through this. I’m teetering between what I want, what I think I want, and what I’ll never have. Doesn’t sound very fitting to what I usually share on my blog, but this is the reality. Big Nugget doesn’t always have it together.

I can’t decide how bad I want to teach childbirth education, whether I want to stay home with my children (not that it’s really a viable option), let’s just say that I don’t see any spotlight shining bright on anything I thought myself to be passionate about. I truly feel unpassionate about life right now. I feel like a child still trying to figure out the balance of right and wrong, a teenager trying to control her hormones, a supposed woman trying to stand behind her decisions…and at this very moment none of that is turning out to be on the positive end of the spectrum. On the contrary, I feel like my world is spinning out of control and the only person I so very desperately need to hold me is God, the only being that can hold me without judgement is God. How easy it is to know that I need to let go and let God, but oh how difficult it is to actually do so. Is this the storm leading to a new revelation? I sure hope so.

I apologize for unleashing this moment of anxiety and despair, but I know that there is a community out there willing to give this mother some lifting words and to let her know that not having it all figured out can sometimes be quite alright. That life goes on.

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8 thoughts on “A moment of despair

  1. You are not alone Big Nugget! I’m going through the same thing (& I’m not pregnant =]) … So relax! Don’t be too hard on yourself. Apparently, the age we’re at is typical for this sort of thing and we have to know that God has our backs; Ask Him to guide you, to lead you, … and don’t worry about whether you’ve missed your answer or not, He will LEAD you into it. You said it best: Life goes on.. So stay positive and keep yourself uplifted anyway. Truly TRUST in Him. It’s been a huge struggle for me as well (understatement), and I’m barely learning to find my way through the confusion. I can’t imagine going through these feelings while being pregnant and already emotional, so stay strong! You are an incredible, strong, passionate and able woman and I’m rooting for you!! <333

  2. And thank you for sharing, even if it was outside of the usual theme. I needed to know that I wasn’t going through this alone as well.

  3. Go for a walk, or simply don’t do anything today…give yourself a break…tomorrow will be a better day ^_^
    Do your best, and let God do the rest! ^_-

  4. I think everyone can feel a bit unpassionate about life sometimes and wonder whether our decisions are the ‘right’ ones (I certainly do!). From your blog it looks like you have a lovely family and you yourself are awesome and clever! You’ll be okay 🙂

    1. Thank you, Laura. You are so sweet! I’m learning to navigate the difficulties of my doubts, questions, and fears. I don’t think we ever stop learning. The evolution of growing older. Thank you for the reassurance and support!

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