Truth is…everything is not perfect.
I know that the purpose of my “Truth is” posts are to reflect a Positive Patty attitude, but I can’t hide the ill feelings roaring inside of me today. I promise that at the end of this post there will be some positivity from reflecting on my emotions.
Social media allows us to show only the perfect moments in our lives. The beautiful moments draped by rainbows showing the brightest of colors, the days when the sun shines the brightest upon our spirits. What about the days where our parade is rained upon, flooded by the salty tears running down our cheeks? Yes, I definitely have those days. I don’t like hiding them as it is not a true reflection of who I am. I’m human too.
At the moment, negative emotions have my soul on fire and my brain doubting my every move. I feel like a rotten mother as the past two weeks have been non-stop disciplining. I find myself yelling at Little Nugget sunrise to sunset. I come to the close of my day scolding myself, “He is only a child! He needs your love!” I feel like a faulty wife giving myself entirely to my children leaving myself without the energy to enjoy my husband. I don’t see this changing for some time because of my motherly ideals that tear me in half. I know that if I don’t follow my motherly heart, the moments with my children will slip away without any chance of getting them back. This brings me to the very cliché but real question, how do I know that I will have tomorrow with my husband? Ugh! I feel no escape from the turmoil happening inside me.
Lastly, I feel b r o k e n. I. Feel. Broken. Raw. My spirit dislocated from my body. I feel as if I have lost sight of who I am not knowing the path back to my heart. I love being a mother. I love being at home with my children. I know I am blessed beyond what I am grateful for. Why do I feel so broken?
These are the times I feel indescribably grateful for my writing because I am able to visually connect my emotions, doubts, and blessings to words. I am able to reflect, and although writing doesn’t cure the need for answers to my internal issues, it at least creates an outlet. Writing to me relieves agonizing pressure from my spirit. It allows me to come to conclusions like these…
I have felt this way before. Many times before. I have found myself in a mental maze with no way out, no comforting thoughts, and yet, here I am. Almost a decade into a loving relationship with my husband and two beautiful children later. If I’ve managed to keep myself somewhat together after that, I will be alright. I will survive yet another set of growing pains. That’s what these moments are. Growing pains. Everyone has them, they just come in different forms.
How will I grow stronger without obstacles?
Better things are to come.
There is no light without darkness. There is no gratitude for healing without scraped knees. I know that last one may not make sense to you, but that’s how I see it.
I have shed a piece of me with the birth of Zion, and it isn’t a bad thing; this just means that it is my time to develop a new set of strengths.
Humility. Gratitude. Patience. Faith.
I will be restored…soon.
Have you had any growing pains that you’ve reflected on? What have you learned from them? What did they bring to your life?