Last night I felt something I haven’t felt since Zion’s birth.
I knew how to be a mother to one child, I was comfortable with that. Mother-of-one was my entity before having Zion. Now, like any other new mother, whether it be to one or seven, the birth of a new child is the birth of a new being, and that can be taken literally and figuratively.
Last night I felt peace within my character. I was reacquainted with my previous self, the one that had learned to be Little Nugget’s mom, Josh’s wife, and Big Nugget. Without really being aware of it, I have been learning to incorporate this new life into all my roles. I’ve been learning to delegate my time. I’ve realized that life is a lot of trial and error, giving, taking and readjusting. What makes it bearable, and the ultimate goal (for me at least) is to make it enjoyable, is staying true to myself. Staying true to myself even while acknowledging all these people in my life. Listening to myself, so that I’m an individual wearing all these hats instead of a robot trying to please everyone. It’s like acquiring a new hat to your collection. You are excited about this new hat, but now you’ve got to rearrange your collection into a new space to ensure they fit properly. You wear each hat individually depending on your mood—this is staying true to yourself.
I received a glimpse of my likes and needs. So exciting! I noticed a small shot of inspiration. My whole world changed colors right before my eyes, and I am not exaggerating. Beginning to learn about myself once again (11 weeks postpartum) is helping me in life-changing ways. I love each one of my family members with a new kind of love. I feel happy so I am able to share my entire self with these three individuals wholeheartedly. Little Nugget’s voice sounds like a viscous sweet caramel creating music with every drop. Zion’s eyes are star-filled as she gazes at me. And Josh, I felt a new category of admiration and gratitude for him.
I’m taking this piece of self-discovery and riding it until the end of its rode. You bet I’m taking advantage of it. I’m hoping that when this feeling becomes worn and torn, there’s another discovery to propel me further to “enjoyable”.
I think the element that is still missing is discovering my wants. I know that continual inspiration and deeper self-reflection is needed for this one.
Cheers to a better self!