Yesterday marked the first day of my last six weeks on leave. I return to work April 4th. I have been telling myself that returning to work this time won’t (or shouldn’t) be as hard as it was with Little Nugget because I already know what it feels like. I know the feeling of having only two full days a week with my children. I know the feeling of not being the first to witness milestones. However, now that I only have six weeks left, I think that I have been working to convince myself of these things. I thought I had, but when I looked at the calendar, it became real. My stomach felt a million uneasy butterflies hitting each other head on. A cloud of anxiety fogged my thoughts. It’s not going to be easier.
With Little Nugget, I went back to work on the day he turned three months. I remember going to breakfast with Josh that morning before he dropped me off. I was stiff as board. I remember Josh telling me I looked like I had been abducted and forced to be there with him. I remember feeling grief. Yes, grief. I had to let go of the days where I was Little Nugget’s mother and caretaker.
Yesterday when I realized that reality is only six weeks away, I decided to take action. I don’t want to miss out on anything these last weeks of being my children’s mother and caretaker. Usually, I will allow myself to focus on the anxiety and waste away precious time, but I want to do it differently this time. I need to soak in all of Little Nugget and Zion’s goodness, sillies, and love. I refuse to allow myself to go back to work regretting how I could have laid with them longer in the mornings, or run up and down our complex’s corridor in the middle of the day.
My action plan came during my nightly stretch, my moment to speak to God, my moment for clarity. The best way I can spend these last six weeks with my children is to fully enjoy them. (Well, duh!) I need to remove my usual social media distractions to fully immerse myself in their worlds. Of course, I will still keep writing as this keeps me sane and brings me life when I need it most, but for now I’m retreating my social media presence until I feel emotionally prepared to face the reality—I am a full time working mom.
I am addicted to the joy my children bring to my life. Excuse me while I roll around in their simple and infectious happiness.
Cheers to enjoying those we love!