Today, I was supposed to accomplish things, cross off things from my ‘to-do’ list. Today, I was supposed to tell you about how awesome our second camping trip was, what I learned from it, and share some pictures from our trip. Today, instead, I share with you some very real thoughts. Today, I share the struggle that my mind and heart are going through, and I know that combating a fever, bug, or flu of some sort is majorly responsible for this. I want to share with you these thoughts because—as some people may find it difficult to believe—my life is not all rainbows and butterflies. There is a such thing as a “happy” filter, and we all use it whether or not we realize it. I was (am) so excited to participate in World Breastfeeding week, but unfortunately, day one was a bust. I can’t bring myself to share how happy and blessed I am to have a breastfeeding relationship with my Z Nugg when my mind and heart are clouded by dark thoughts. Please don’t misinterpret this post as a cry out for help or an invitation to join my pity party, I just want to share how important it is for me to acknowledge the obstacles and real emotions. I’m not always farting shooting stars and radiating light.
At the moment, all I feel is weakness. I, so badly, want to find a rock to hide under, to hide forever. I feel like a failure accomplishing nothing. I feel fat. Although the scale says differently, my eyes see the truth. The acceptance of my body has been distorted and the saggy skin looks inflated making it obvious that my diet and exercise are out of balance. My heart keeps telling me that my children would probably be better off without me, at least while I feel this way. I don’t feel capable. I don’t feel positive. I don’t feel worthy, and as much as I know that this is all in my head, that I am enough—as much as I keep repeating this to myself—these words have no substance. I keep repeating them only to feel like they are terms that exist in the dictionary, but cannot be applied to me. I know that I will overcome this—as the fact that I’ve made it this far with my depressive background proves me stronger than I believe—but for the moment, I am allowing myself to be human. For the moment, I am allowing myself to feel all the feelings. I know I will need to get over it soon as my children need a mother not some sad person looking to retreat from life. It’s difficult not to turn to old habits, so I’m doing my best to hold onto whatever little spark of light I have left within me to remind myself that I have two little humans to be an example to. I know it’s important that they know that we won’t always be dancing through life, sometimes we will stumble, but in stumbling, we can either stay down or get back up. I’m not a weaker human being if I stay down longer than others. Only I know what I need, and at the moment, I needed to share what I’m feeling to start my mending.
I look forward to getting back to dancing and feeling positive. I look forward to not feeling numb, scared, inadequate, unworthy, and ugly.