Waiting to get divorced?

A note from Big Nugget:
I am very excited to introduce Ricky Congo, a friend of the Nuggets. I’m excited to have a male contributing his perspective. Comments and questions are welcomed. We want your thoughts too!

To learn about the “A friend of the Nuggets” project, click here.


Now, before I delve into my thoughts about the idea, let me tell you a few facts. I am single, I am 31 years old, and I have never been married. If I were to die tomorrow, I would have been pretty satisfied with my life. I’ve done a lot of the things that I have wanted to do. Have I achieved everything? Absolutely not. Am I happy? At this moment, yes. Do I feel generally accomplished? Yes. Have I ever been depressed before, witnessed and felt struggle? Yes, and I think we all go through emotional roller coasters, sort of find ourselves in places that we’d never thought we’d be in, or even challenged to life’s greatest extent.

I say that to say this…I looked up a statistic the other day, about half of all marriages end in divorce. As I have said before, I am 31 years old. It is safe to say that half of my friends have already been divorced. First, you have to ask “why?”. The reasons vary from money, to being too young, or hell, they had a baby together and tried to force something that wasn’t there. But, if you strictly look at the common sense of it all, is that rate within the first 3 years, or is it over a lifetime? If it’s over a lifetime, then, well…we are all screwed because in a sense we are all simply waiting to get divorced.

I think a lot of that is our generation in general. We are more accomplished as individuals, women generally aren’t staying home anymore, and men like myself don’t really know what our dreams are because we feel like we can do anything with the ounce of talent that we have. I’m not saying that’s a bad thing either. I love independent women (that Ne-Yo song pops in my head “Miss Independent”, alas another blog for another day) and everyone has a right to be ambitious. People, especially women, are more well-rounded than ever, and so it is a little bit appalling that every other relationship ends in divorce. You would think that more talent means more success.

So, what is the issue? Well, for one, the generation before us puts this weird pressure on us to have a family because back in the day people were getting married at the age of 21 and making it work. The thing is that now, because we are so accomplished, we’ve figured out that there’s more to life than taking care of a family. We’ve become more selfish, which isn’t a bad thing. It’s just kind of the way it is. The Internet has shown us a whole other world and that we can achieve more.

One thing I noticed as well, is that I changed a lot as a person from ages 21-25 and then much more from 26-30. A lot of that has to do with priorities, really working, and focusing on the things that make me happy. So, really, what I’m talking about is growth and not necessarily numbers. Let me also point out that from articles I’ve read and experiences of others, year 30 is the age in which one levels off and becomes who they truly are.

Just generally speaking, because you change so much between 21 and 30, it is extremely difficult to be in a long term committed relationship. I say this because if your married in that timeframe, you still kind of don’t know who you are because you’re still in the process of changing. I sometimes struggle with this to this day. It’s a scary freaky thing…and not the good kind of freaky.

Another thing I’d like to bring up is that when dating, people try to make shit just work. Something you need to ask yourself is “do I really love this person?”.  Ask yourself that everyday if you need to, because if at some point the answer is “no”, let them go.

I feel like we go through these phases where we make lists of things that we want in a partner and we kick people to the curb because the whole list doesn’t match up. Then we finally meet someone who meets all the criteria, come to find out they don’t even like you. If the person doesn’t love you, stop trying to fit a square peg in a round hole.

Some of you are probably reading this and thinking, this guy probably doesn’t even want to get married. Not the case. I’m torn. I love kids, I think they’re great and I love being around them. But that doesn’t mean I want to pick up the next woman I see and have a baby with her. I just know that if a relationship isn’t right, raising a child doesn’t it make it any easier.

Love rules everything around me.

-Ricky Congo

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