Avoiding the bitter

I recall, on multiple occasions, telling myself that watching Z Nugg grow up will not hurt as much as it did—and does—with Little Nugget because I already know what it feels like. Today I realized that I’ve been lying to myself for the last almost-twelve months.

I’ve always described motherhood as a bittersweet journey. With Little Nugget, the bitter stood out as hard—if not harder at times—as the sweet. With Little Nugget, I dwelled on the bitter far longer than I should have. Now, with Z Nugg, I found myself enjoying so much more of the sweet. In doing so, I got to consciously experience so much more than I did with Little Nugget. This doesn’t make me love or appreciate Z Nugg more than Little Nugget, not at all. What it does make me is grateful for Little Nugget for making me a mother, and for Z Nugg for showing me the grace to be a conscious one. I guess it’s a good thing I lied to myself, that must’ve had something to do with the fact that I was mentally, emotionally, and physically present for so much more of Z Nugg’s infancy.

I currently find myself trying to avoid the emotions in my momma heart because of the fact that my baby will have completed her first trip around the sun in less than 24 hours. So, instead of facing the bitterness I feel from my baby turning toddler, I’m burying my feelings—knowing that I have to face them tomorrow—by thinking the following random thoughts…

Playing telephone with Josh using Little Nugget would probably result in really funny translations. We need to do that and record what he says before his speech becomes clearer. 

I need to start documenting the ways using public transportation has helped me consciously parent. I love our bus adventures!

I need to go through the bags of Z Nugg’s clothing in order to have warm clothes for her before tomorrow! The beauty of Southern California’s “fall”. Any other moms find rotating your children’s clothes to be such a chore?  

That’s what my mind is currently undergoing. I appreciate you holding space for me and allowing me to share my journey with you. As they say, it takes a village, and you are surely a part of mine.

Cheers to the beautiful bittersweet emotions that we all have to face!

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Day 19 – We have a collection of balloons around the apartment. Some are still kissing the ceiling, some float close to my face, and others are being kicked around on the floor. That’s what happens when three out of the four people in your family have birthdays in November.
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