It’s 10:32 PM. Everyone in my household is asleep including our dog Alvin. I’m eating a piece of pumpkin pie in celebration of myself. It sounds pompous, I know, but that is not my intention. Just earlier I baked some mushrooms with baby tomatoes for dinner, baked a cake for Z Nugg (to celebrate her with my family tomorrow), marinated some chicken for tomorrow’s dinner, and freed our kitchen sink from our dirty dishes. I’m pretty darn proud of myself—hence the pumpkin pie—but not because of any of the aforementioned. I’m really proud, not of all the things I’ve crossed off of my to-do list, but of the fact that I am raising two amazing human beings. Of course, I can’t take all the credit. Josh, my family, and the rest of my village are a tremendous help on a daily basis.
Allow me further explain why I am indulging in this celebratory piece of pie.
You know how I wrote about how I was “avoiding the bitter”? Well, after a day of celebrating Z Nugg’s first birthday and Little Nugget’s fourth birthday at my in-laws’ house today, I felt butterflies in my stomach and my emotions cloud up. It started on the drive home—it’s an hour drive for us, so I had time to think and get emotional. We had peacefully and intimately celebrated the birth of my babies; however, the one that got to me the most, the one that caused me to cry, was Z Nugg’s birthday.
When we got home, I had to rotate Z Nugg’s clothes because I had procrastinated long enough and she had no warm clothing to wear the next day. At one point, I was sitting on the floor folding the clothes, Josh walked by the room and saw me distraught. He entered the room and asked me what was wrong. I let him know I was trying to keep it together, described the butterflies in my stomach, and further explained where I was coming from…my baby—who at the moment was speedily trekking around the apartment mumbling and handing out smiles as if it was her job—was one year old. Although she will forever be my baby, she is technically no long a baby. I got up from the floor and hugged Josh. I stuffed my face in his shoulder, wrapped my arms around him, and cried. There they were, the bitter emotions I was trying to avoid had surfaced and I had no option but to tackle them. Josh let me cry as hard as I needed and then offered me words of love and gratitude. He mentioned how proud he was of me for our children. I hugged him tight as if that would pause time. Oh, how I wish it was possible to pause time!
The bitter emotions hurt so good, especially now that I was letting them be. Josh and I let go of each other and he did one of my favorite things he does for me when I am in need of support, he called our Nuggets over and requested that they give me a hug. The sweet quickly followed bitter.
I’m so grateful for my life. All of it.
Cheers to the bitter and the sweet and everything in between!