True holiday colors

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, or if you celebrate Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or anything else, that you are having a beautiful time celebrating with family. This was my first holiday season not working a corporate job and attempting to make a living at home while being with my Nuggets. I didn’t know that being a stay-at-home-work-at-home mom would give me as much insight on this crazy season as it did. Maybe it was just a special year.

So, now that Christmas is over, I’d like to take a few minutes to share with you my true feelings towards the holidays, which were furthermore clarified thanks to this year’s season. Let me warn you that there’s going to be plenty of Negative Nancy, but if you hang in until the end, I can assure you that there will be a bit of Positive Patty in there too.

I almost don’t know where to begin because I have so much going on in my head. I guess I can start by saying that I feel like I can breathe a little easier with Christmas being over. This year I understood that I really don’t like Christmas society’s definition of Christmas. The gift-giving. The expectations. The letdowns. To me, it’s all the opposite of what this season should make me feel. To me, Christmas has proven to be one holiday where true colors show. What do I mean by true colors? Well, ingratitude and judgment are a couple of the many negative emotions freely outpoured as the holiday builds. The tension, at times, outshines what the holiday should really be about—understanding, love, and positive memories. (FYI, no I am not writing with any one person in mind. It’s a general feeling. However, if it makes anyone reflect and discover something about themselves, then I feel my emotions have been appropriately conveyed.)

I feel that even if I were solely focused on the reason why Christmas exists, it would still be inevitable that I would encounter the guilt and pressure that comes with the actions practiced on the holy day. Of course, these emotions are my own and I hold no one but myself accountable for them. I don’t blame anyone because of the way I feel. I just pray and am consciously working on myself so that I can grow in a manner where I can confidently say, “This is the best practice for my family and me. Merry Christmas! I love you and care for you regardless,” or something to that extent instead of allowing it to affect me the way it does. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not a holiday scrooge. I’m always down for a good Christmas carol or other fun seasonal things, but I know I need to overcome these Negative Nancy feelings so that I can change the meaning and practices within my little family (additional post about this to come…possibly).

Now, to be fair, the Positive Patty. Thankfully, there are people who “get it”. There are people who don’t measure how successful their Christmas was by the brands of gifts they got, rather by the meaningful connections they had. To me, Christmas is a reminder to be vulnerable especially with those you love. Christmas is an opportunity to mend broken relationships and tattered emotions. A written letter with sincere words means more than any expensive gift could ever mean to me. I’m aware that both take time to write or buy; however, one can mask and bury emotions that can cause long-lasting damage, and the other can help in the process of healing.

I don’t know if any of this makes sense, but I do know that I feel much better writing it down and reflecting on it. Maybe I’m the one misinterpreting the meaning by allowing it to get to me. Maybe I’m the only one that feels this way. I don’t expect myself to have it all figured out the day after Christmas. For all I know it’ll take years for me to make peace with this Negative Nancy. The only sure thing is that my one wish to “Santa” this year is for strength and understanding so that I can be a good example to my Nuggets of how to navigate this crazy time of year, and to enjoy it while they’re at it…regardless of how anyone else decides to deal with it.

Cheers to making the best of the holiday season!

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Christmas morning 2016. Best picture we got of us before Z Nugget was over it.

For the audio version of this post, click below.

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