Happy New Year to you all! I hope you all enjoyed welcoming 2017 with family and friends.
While many were gearing up to welcome the new year, I was trying to survive the night. Z Nugget had an awful night Friday night. To give you an idea, Friday night she slept a couple of hours, but woke up before I got into bed. I didn’t get to lay down to rest until 6 a.m. the morning of New Year’s Eve, and then Z Nugget woke up for the day at 8:30 a.m. Z Nugget and I were severely sleep deprived, and sleep deprivation doesn’t do anyone good…especially me. As my friend put it, “Not sleeping is our kryptonite.” (Josh and Little Nugget were feeling it too, of course.)
Nothing that came from the sleep deprivation was how I expected to spend the last day of 2016 nor the first day of 2017. More importantly, the feelings I was attempting to juggle were not what I wanted to be feeling as the clock approached Josh’s and my ten year anniversary—New Year’s day. I wasn’t even in a stable enough mental state to have any expectations. I felt mentally lost and physically numb.
The lack of sleep triggered a depressive episode. Now, I don’t know if my terminology is correct, but I can describe what I felt. I felt like I was on pins and needles. I felt and saw nothing but darkness. I found myself uncontrollably crying on the bathroom floor with the lights off, which only happens when I’m falling into depression, which I describe as a “dark hole”. Thoughts of the many ways I could “delete myself from this earth” plagued my mind. I would look at my Nuggets and feel nothing. I knew I loved them, but didn’t feel that motherly love. As I write this I question how I could ever think or feel this way. I don’t recall feeling depressed like this since becoming a mother, and how could one night of extreme sleep deprivation push me to this? I know that this all sounds extreme because it is.
For those of you who recently started reading my blog, I’ve shared pieces of my journey with depression, which I established a relationship with when I was ten. I won’t go into detail as I have written about it before, but I will say that finding myself in that dark hole is scary because I don’t know how long it’ll take to get myself out of it. The emotions, thoughts, and darkness are the same every time, but the getting out of it is different.
We don’t know why Z Nugget’s sleep routine (not that either of the Nuggets has really ever had a rigid one) is completely out of whack, but we’re trying to figure it out. However, I must say that “figuring it out” sometimes adds to the intensity of the stress and anxiety. At the moment, I feel like I am back in the newborn fog, but from what I remember, Z Nugget slept better when she was a newborn. I can lose myself in the many theories we have in regard to why Z Nugget isn’t sleeping, but I’m still just trying to take it one day at a time. If there’s one thing I’ve learned about depression it is you think you’re out of the hole, but then magically you find yourself deeper in than the previous time.
I’m currently feeling better after a full night of rest thanks to my mom—she took Z Nugget for the night—but I am cautious and am trying to stay conscious of my own mental health. Right now, as my thoughts sound coherent, I am trying to focus on the fact that if there’s no me, there’s no happy in our household. I am important, even if it’s hard to believe while under this fog, and I am grateful for all the people that remind me when I need to be reminded. I am grateful to be here on the second day of the new year, stable enough to share with you yet another experience brought to me by the one and only crazy journey called Motherhood. (This is why my tagline reads, “Embracing motherhood and all its glory…including the nuggets it throws at me.”) A HUGE thanks to my better half, my mom, and my sister for the energy, care, and love they put into helping me get myself out of the dark hole, and of course, to all of my family and close friends who do the same.
I’m sure this year will bring plenty of Negative Nancy moments, but not without the Positive Patty ones as well. Thank you for being present for me to share them with you. I wouldn’t be as passionate about this little space of mine if it wasn’t for you who care to read my words.
Cheers to the new year!
Will you share with me one of your favorite moments of the new year?
For the audio version of this post, click below.