A new memory of us

I recently posted in a mom Facebook group I’m a part of asking for help. I asked for date ideas. See, I lack the ability to plan time with my lover, not that I’m using this as an excuse not to. I have recognized that it’s a cycle. I start feeling disconnected from my better half, I panic and begin attempting to plan dates with him, but feel overwhelmed by the vague connection between us and this ends up killing my creativity in date planning.

I got about 16 comments in response to my request for advice on the Facebook group. There were comments with suggestions, advice, support and solidarity. It was calming to read that I wasn’t alone, and to see such an extensive list of affordable date ideas.

Within 24 hours of having posted my request to the mom group, as if our energies were aligning, my lover came home from work mentioning he wanted to play a song for me, a song that made him think of me. The Nuggets were put to bed, my lover and I sat on the couch, and he played the song. The song was “Love” by Kendrick Lamar. It was the first time I had heard it.

I sat listening to the song. My lover ended up laying on my lap. We didn’t say anything. We seemed to be in distant worlds absorbing the lyrics, the rhythm of the song, but at the same time, so close that our hearts felt the warmth I remember from before we became parents. At least, that’s what I felt and am confident that he did too because as he lifted his head from my lap, he was wiping tears from his cheeks.

This song has now become the trigger of a new memory that my heart and our relationship needed. This song has simplified my ideas of what our dates should be — time together to indulge in the love we have for each other. However, this time still needs to be outside of our living space and away from our children.

Now, when I hear this song on the radio, my stomach is invaded by what feels like 1000 butterflies. I get giddy and I feel a warmth that leads me wanting to be wrapped in my lover’s arms.

I’ve said this before, but there’s no harm in saying it again. I need to work harder at tending to the fire and passion that made me a mother. I want my husband to love his wife before loving the mother of his children. Does that make sense?

Through the help with this post, I transmit that I need to focus more energy on balancing my role as a wife, mother, and individual. However, I know it’s easier said than done.

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Over twelve years ago.
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Be your effing self!

After writing the post earlier, I felt some relief. I was able to reflect a little easier. Could I have been going through writer’s block? Anyways, the point that my reflection made to me was that I can’t expect to stay the same forever. I will continue evolving. I have to allow myself to continue growing. I need to get the heck out of my way. Does anyone else feel a negative way when your current interests get pushed out of the way by a new passion? I don’t understand why I’m forcing myself to stay when all I want to do is go.

If this resonates with you, I’m asking for your support because I’m trying to stop perceiving myself as an indecisive quitter. (Geesh, that sounds harsh now that I write it out.)

I’m writing in real time, and I mention it because I’m on the verge of accepting that I am not a high-paid lifestyle blogger, nor should I try and act or write like one. After writing that out, all I can think is, “Be your effing self, Jasmin!” Real time, for me, means finding a solution as I write. As I write, I hear my brain thinking slower, and I can analyze better, step out of my box of emotions, and see my options unfold.

My blog is in the process of evolving. I must accept this and embrace it.

Be expected to read about my journeys with:

  • my menstrual cycle,
  • my return to cycling (I hope!)
  • figuring out who I am professionally
  • minimalizing in real life and on social media

If you continue to follow me, I appreciate you. If you don’t, I understand and I appreciate the journeys you travelled with me.

Through the help of this post, I transmit that I am ready to get out of my way and allow myself to thrive once again.

Big Nugget


May I ask you a question? I’m really hoping you comment because I’m interested in who you as a person, not only a reader. Why do you follow my blog? If you don’t, but liked this post, why did you like this post…or not? I don’t ask with the intent of receiving praise, but because I’m interested in you’re perspective. I want to learn about you, the person reading this. Not in a creepy way, but to expand my views. Honoring opposing perspectives and/or receiving supporting words from someone that can relate, I am finding, is food to my being. 

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I am excited to start sharing my menstrual cycle journey with you!

 

Dear blog

I’m still here. I think about you often; however, I feel numb towards you and my “love” for writing. I think I’ve lost myself in motherhood. I always thought I’d never be one of those stay-at-home moms that only took care of their children. I always thought I’d be nothing but grateful for being able to see my children grow on a daily basis instead of only after I came home from my corporate job. Well, now I feel embarrassed because I’m eating my words. Although I do more than only take care of my Nuggets (plus my niece) and am grateful for all the time I get with them, I find myself with no desire to do anything else and with no idea of who I am.

Who am I? What do I like? What do I want to do with my life? These are questions that I ask myself often, but have not found a clear answer to.

I try to stay grounded. I attempt finding clarity through the things that used to bring me peace and answers, but my heart isn’t receiving the transmissions. I want to believe that I’m shedding and growing into new skin, but could it be my occasionally faulty mental health blurring my thoughts, numbing my feelings, and confusing my being? Whatever it may be, I hold on to the hope that it’s all for the best for me and my family.

I think the end to the “cheers” is here and the beginning to the transmissions has come. I need to figure myself out.

Through the help of this post, I transmit that my internal emotions are not aligned, nor have they ever been.

Big Nugget

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Life looks different through a lens. It looks easier, brighter, and magical. I am grateful for everything I have and everything I’ve been through. My life is a breeze compared to many. I must remember this.